February 21, 2013
Marriage
is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.
-Dr.
Joyce Brothers
For
Better or For Worse
I
love the Dr. Joyce Brother's quote
above because for me marriage isn't
just about two soul mates finding each other and being married happily ever
after. A marriage is about how we manage & relate as a couple and as
individuals to all the nitty-gritty, life stuff that happens in-between like
taking out the trash, doing the dishes, managing the finances, dealing with the
kids, supporting each other when the
other person is ill, etc.
For
example, my husband is recovering
from the flu. I stayed home from work today
to support him and our two sons who are also dealing with it. However, because I only have a limited number
of sick days, I'm also juggling taking care of everyone and completing work
projects at the same time. I noticed that
I am becoming more impatient, stressed, and wishing that I could just jump on a
plane and go to Tahiti and come back after everyone is well again. I judge
myself as not doing a very good job of balancing it all. I judge
John for even being sick. How dare
he! I judge myself for even having these thoughts at all because they're
not very loving. These judgments are creating more internal
stress, sadness, and hurt. Then I start
projecting all of that hurt onto my husband and kids by getting frustrated and
angry at them. This vicious cycle of
projections continues until I decide to take responsibility for my feelings and
make another choice for myself.
Opportunity
knocking at the door
Now
here lies the opportunity to make a different choice. At the University of Santa Monica, where I received my Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology, I learned "How I relate
to the issue is the issue." Meaning, how am I going to be with myself as
I deal with this situation of having to take care of my family and work from
home at the same time. Am I going to be
hard on myself—judging myself as a bad wife, mother, or employee because
"I can't do it all and I can't do it perfectly?” Or am I going to choose to be gentle and loving with myself seeing this as an opportunity
to deepen in the loving for myself
and my family. So, after I acknowledged my feelings of
frustration and sadness, I said to myself, "Gee, I am doing the best that
I can here with the situation and that is enough. It's ok to take breaks from my work throughout
the day and just spend time with my kids who aren't feeling well. John's doing the best he can too. I forgive myself for judging myself as a
horrible person because I get mad. The
truth is that I am human and sometimes I get mad and frustrated. It doesn't mean I am bad. I love
my husband and my kids and they are doing the best they
can under the circumstances too."
After I said those reframing statements to myself, I noticed the stress
leaving my body. I felt more at peace
and more loving toward John, the
kids, and myself.
So,
if you find yourself getting frustrated or upset about something your spouse did
or didn't do, I encourage and support you to take step back and notice what you
are telling yourself and remember, "How you relate to the issue is the issue." Your spouse
will thank you for it too.
