Love and Marriage- How You Relate to the Issue is the Issue

February 21, 2013

  

Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.

-Dr. Joyce Brothers

For Better or For Worse

           

            I love the Dr. Joyce Brother's quote above because for me marriage isn't just about two soul mates finding each other and being married happily ever after.  A marriage is about how we manage & relate as a couple and as individuals to all the nitty-gritty, life stuff that happens in-between like taking out the trash, doing the dishes, managing the finances, dealing with the kids, supporting each other when the other person is ill, etc.

            For example, my husband is recovering from the flu.  I stayed home from work today to support him and our two sons who are also dealing with it.  However, because I only have a limited number of sick days, I'm also juggling taking care of everyone and completing work projects at the same time.  I noticed that I am becoming more impatient, stressed, and wishing that I could just jump on a plane and go to Tahiti and come back after everyone is well again.  I judge myself as not doing a very good job of balancing it all.  I judge John for even being sick.  How dare he!  I judge myself for even having these thoughts at all because they're not very loving.  These judgments are creating more internal stress, sadness, and hurt.  Then I start projecting all of that hurt onto my husband and kids by getting frustrated and angry at them.  This vicious cycle of projections continues until I decide to take responsibility for my feelings and make another choice for myself.

Opportunity knocking at the door

            Now here lies the opportunity to make a different choice.  At the University of Santa Monica, where I received my Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology, I learned "How I relate to the issue is the issue."   Meaning, how am I going to be with myself as I deal with this situation of having to take care of my family and work from home at the same time.  Am I going to be hard on myself—judging myself as a bad wife, mother, or employee because "I can't do it all and I can't do it perfectly?”  Or am I going to choose to be gentle and loving with myself seeing this as an opportunity to deepen in the loving for myself and my family.  So, after I acknowledged my feelings of frustration and sadness, I said to myself, "Gee, I am doing the best that I can here with the situation and that is enough.  It's ok to take breaks from my work throughout the day and just spend time with my kids who aren't feeling well.  John's doing the best he can too.  I forgive myself for judging myself as a horrible person because I get mad.  The truth is that I am human and sometimes I get mad and frustrated.  It doesn't mean I am bad.  I love my husband and my kids and they are doing the best they can under the circumstances too."  After I said those reframing statements to myself, I noticed the stress leaving my body.  I felt more at peace and more loving toward John, the kids, and myself. 

            So, if you find yourself getting frustrated or upset about something your spouse did or didn't do, I encourage and support you to take step back and notice what you are telling yourself and remember, "How you relate to the issue is the issue."  Your spouse will thank you for it too.