Yesterday, we had a blast at Connor's friend Taka's birthday party. John was busy working USM's graduation, so it was really nice to get out of the house and have some fun. It was a small group and we went to the Culver City Fair as part of the birthday celebration. It was fun to watch Connor with his friends going on the rides, acting goofy, and eating fair food. It felt like a privilege to watch him enjoy himself. I was witnessing joy.
Cayden had a good time too. All the kids loved playing with him and Keiko and Jemina love babies, so he was giving all sorts of loving and getting it in return. It was the first time in a week since Connor got sick that he could play with his friends. He is so much better- very, very little coughing.
My Process...
I had the realization late last night that I am stuffing my own expression with overeating. I also realize I stuff my own expression by not exercising. It's like I trap myself in my own body; keeping myself contained, controlled, pushed down, wrapped up like a Christmas package. I also stuff my expression with the clothes I wear. I hate the clothes I wear. They are BORING! Being fat also helps me to keep myself contained in my clothing. When I'm heavy, I only allow myself to own a couple pairs of pants and several shirts. Connor, John and Cayden have tons of clothes, and I have very little. It's weird too, I usually only have two bras that I wear. I finally threw out two that were getting pretty skanky, bought myself two really nice bras and that's it.
On a side note, John just asked me if I ate all the cookies, which I didn't, and it really pisses me off that he asked me that. It makes me want to find the cookie and eat them now.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Nighttime is the Hardest
I must confess, I am an overeater. This is why I am overweight, plus the lack of exercise is not helping either. Nighttime is the toughest. I graze and overeat every single night. Tonight, I took my son to McDonald's for a Happy Meal. He really wanted to get the Star Wars Clones toys, so I got a Happy Meal too, so he could have my toy. Needless to say, I ate my Happy Meal and most of his. Here is a list of the other foods I consumed tonight:
My husband and son will say to me if there is ice cream or chocolate in the house, "You didn't eat all of it, did you?" I feel so ashamed when they ask me this question, because I do feel selfish when I over consume. I really don't care about them when I want to eat something that is "special" in the house. I want the goodies all for me.
A part of me wants to hide in my fat. I want to be covered and hidden forever. Another part of me wants to be slender and lighter in my body. I was slender about 7 years ago and I loved how my body felt. I miss wearing pretty clothes. I know that I don't need to wait until I'm slender to buy myself pretty clothes, but it's hard for me to find pretty clothes in the 16/18 sizes. When I was a size 6 I could shop in the half amount of time it takes me now. There was so much to choose from in the size 6 aisle- I even wore jeans during this time. I haven't worn a pair of jeans in about 5 years. I don't like how I look or feel in them when I am heavy.
I'm hoping that writing in the Blog will help me in releasing this self-destructive pattern I have with overeating. It really feels when I do it, that I am hurting or punishing myself in someway. I just don't care about myself when I'm in that space. I know I am saying "fuck you" to myself on some level. I feel like I have given up on myself; for instance, when I overeat I hear the voice inside my head say "Well, you are overweight- who cares if you eat more; it just doesn't matter. It is too late already- go ahead and eat. You might as well keep on eating; nobody thinks you are attractive anymore anyhow."
I feel lonely and bored at night. I just want to watch TV and numb out. The urge to eat something else is overwhelming me at the moment, but I know that we don't have much treats in the house. Nothing seems to satisfy me at night- I want to fill the void inside myself; it feels like there is an empty shell just below my heart that needs to be filled with something. I keep trying to fill it with food and it isn't working.
The pain I feel is rooted in the feeling that I've given up on myself. I need to explore this issue- I believe this is the key to healing the overeating or it will lead me to the next issue I need to explore or heal. I am open to learning. I want to feel like it is ok to be pretty.
~Amy
- Part of a Hershey Milk Chocolate bar that I found in my husband's underware drawer (this is where he hides his stash of chocolate)
- 2 cheese sticks
- Tortilla chips (I don't know how many- enough to make my belly pretty full)
- Vanilla Soy Delicious Ice Cream with a tablespoon of peanut butter
- And remember, I previously consumed a Hamburger Happy Meal, part of son's cheeseburger and his fries. I finished off the fries without asking him if it was ok to eat them, like I did with his cheeseburger. He was pretty bummed I finished his fries.
My husband and son will say to me if there is ice cream or chocolate in the house, "You didn't eat all of it, did you?" I feel so ashamed when they ask me this question, because I do feel selfish when I over consume. I really don't care about them when I want to eat something that is "special" in the house. I want the goodies all for me.
A part of me wants to hide in my fat. I want to be covered and hidden forever. Another part of me wants to be slender and lighter in my body. I was slender about 7 years ago and I loved how my body felt. I miss wearing pretty clothes. I know that I don't need to wait until I'm slender to buy myself pretty clothes, but it's hard for me to find pretty clothes in the 16/18 sizes. When I was a size 6 I could shop in the half amount of time it takes me now. There was so much to choose from in the size 6 aisle- I even wore jeans during this time. I haven't worn a pair of jeans in about 5 years. I don't like how I look or feel in them when I am heavy.
I'm hoping that writing in the Blog will help me in releasing this self-destructive pattern I have with overeating. It really feels when I do it, that I am hurting or punishing myself in someway. I just don't care about myself when I'm in that space. I know I am saying "fuck you" to myself on some level. I feel like I have given up on myself; for instance, when I overeat I hear the voice inside my head say "Well, you are overweight- who cares if you eat more; it just doesn't matter. It is too late already- go ahead and eat. You might as well keep on eating; nobody thinks you are attractive anymore anyhow."
I feel lonely and bored at night. I just want to watch TV and numb out. The urge to eat something else is overwhelming me at the moment, but I know that we don't have much treats in the house. Nothing seems to satisfy me at night- I want to fill the void inside myself; it feels like there is an empty shell just below my heart that needs to be filled with something. I keep trying to fill it with food and it isn't working.
The pain I feel is rooted in the feeling that I've given up on myself. I need to explore this issue- I believe this is the key to healing the overeating or it will lead me to the next issue I need to explore or heal. I am open to learning. I want to feel like it is ok to be pretty.
~Amy
I Am No Skinny Celebrity Mom
Here in LA, celebrity moms lose their pregnancy weight anywhere from 2-6 weeks after giving birth. For instance, take a look at Nicole Kidman, there was a photo of her a week after her baby, Sunday was born and she was back in her skinny jeans and drinking coffee at the local Nashville Starbuck's store. (She also lives in LA, so I'm mentioning her here.) Halle Berry, Jessica Alba, Nicole Ritche, Christina Aguilera all had babies this year and they are back to wearing their pre-pregnancy clothes within less than two months of having their babies. All I can say is that they suck!! (Can you tell I'm a little bit jealous...)
I'm still at least 40 pounds overweight and my baby is now 6 months old. I'm feeling incredibly fat today and I still ate Junior Mints to cover up the self-hatred I feel at this moment. I'm tired of being fat, but I'm really not doing much to try to take it off at the moment.
I feel like such a failure when I see these moms back to looking pretty and skinny. I envy them. They have people to support them- a nanny/babysitter or family member to watch the baby while they are working out. They order food plans delivered to their homes or have a chef to cook for them.
On a side note, my husband just called to say he has to work today (Saturday) until 6:30 pm and then go back into work after the kids go to sleep. I just want to eat chips, cookies, cake, ice cream, etc. to fill up this void inside of me. I'm alone with the kids again. John's job is only super busy for two weeks in August and it is that time again. John is a wonderful partner and husband, but it gets hard when he isn't home a lot during this time. I feel lonely and to top it all off, the kids have this hacking cough and we can't go out of the house.
I know I am screaming "victim", but it is just how I feel today. My period is due any day, so I'm wallowing in self-pity, self-hatred, self-frustration and chocolate cravings.
I bid you celebrity moms adieu- lucky you that you are back to being glamourous and skinny. Do you love yourselves or do you still think you are fat?
I just finished off the box of Junior Mints I was eating. I don't feel better and I'm still feeling fat.
~Amy
I'm still at least 40 pounds overweight and my baby is now 6 months old. I'm feeling incredibly fat today and I still ate Junior Mints to cover up the self-hatred I feel at this moment. I'm tired of being fat, but I'm really not doing much to try to take it off at the moment.
I feel like such a failure when I see these moms back to looking pretty and skinny. I envy them. They have people to support them- a nanny/babysitter or family member to watch the baby while they are working out. They order food plans delivered to their homes or have a chef to cook for them.
On a side note, my husband just called to say he has to work today (Saturday) until 6:30 pm and then go back into work after the kids go to sleep. I just want to eat chips, cookies, cake, ice cream, etc. to fill up this void inside of me. I'm alone with the kids again. John's job is only super busy for two weeks in August and it is that time again. John is a wonderful partner and husband, but it gets hard when he isn't home a lot during this time. I feel lonely and to top it all off, the kids have this hacking cough and we can't go out of the house.
I know I am screaming "victim", but it is just how I feel today. My period is due any day, so I'm wallowing in self-pity, self-hatred, self-frustration and chocolate cravings.
I bid you celebrity moms adieu- lucky you that you are back to being glamourous and skinny. Do you love yourselves or do you still think you are fat?
I just finished off the box of Junior Mints I was eating. I don't feel better and I'm still feeling fat.
~Amy
Friday, August 22, 2008
First Entry
Ok- here's my first entry. I am now officially a blogger. Who knew? I'm pretty excited to be telling my story-my truth.
I grew up in Fairview, PA (a suburb of Erie, PA)- a very small town and then lived in Cleveland, OH after I graduated from Westminster College in 1990. Not too many people I grew up with could picture me living out here in LA and honestly, that included me too. Could I leave the East Coast/Midwest and move to the second largest city in America? Well, that is just what I did. I left and moved 3,000 miles away from my family and friends. I followed my boyfriend, now my husband of 11 years, John to Los Angeles- The City of Angeles. I moved here over 14 years ago. I basically have a love/hate relationship with living in LA. I'll be sharing what I love about LA, what drives me crazy living out here (yes, you guessed it- traffic is one reason) what I do, what I think, basically to sum it all up- I'll be sharing my life!
Looking forward to posting more entries to come...
~Amy
I grew up in Fairview, PA (a suburb of Erie, PA)- a very small town and then lived in Cleveland, OH after I graduated from Westminster College in 1990. Not too many people I grew up with could picture me living out here in LA and honestly, that included me too. Could I leave the East Coast/Midwest and move to the second largest city in America? Well, that is just what I did. I left and moved 3,000 miles away from my family and friends. I followed my boyfriend, now my husband of 11 years, John to Los Angeles- The City of Angeles. I moved here over 14 years ago. I basically have a love/hate relationship with living in LA. I'll be sharing what I love about LA, what drives me crazy living out here (yes, you guessed it- traffic is one reason) what I do, what I think, basically to sum it all up- I'll be sharing my life!
Looking forward to posting more entries to come...
~Amy
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