Stuffing My Own Expression

Yesterday, we had a blast at Connor's friend Taka's birthday party. John was busy working USM's graduation, so it was really nice to get out of the house and have some fun. It was a small group and we went to the Culver City Fair as part of the birthday celebration. It was fun to watch Connor with his friends going on the rides, acting goofy, and eating fair food. It felt like a privilege to watch him enjoy himself. I was witnessing joy.

Cayden had a good time too. All the kids loved playing with him and Keiko and Jemina love babies, so he was giving all sorts of loving and getting it in return. It was the first time in a week since Connor got sick that he could play with his friends. He is so much better- very, very little coughing.

My Process...
I had the realization late last night that I am stuffing my own expression with overeating. I also realize I stuff my own expression by not exercising. It's like I trap myself in my own body; keeping myself contained, controlled, pushed down, wrapped up like a Christmas package. I also stuff my expression with the clothes I wear. I hate the clothes I wear. They are BORING! Being fat also helps me to keep myself contained in my clothing. When I'm heavy, I only allow myself to own a couple pairs of pants and several shirts. Connor, John and Cayden have tons of clothes, and I have very little. It's weird too, I usually only have two bras that I wear. I finally threw out two that were getting pretty skanky, bought myself two really nice bras and that's it.

On a side note, John just asked me if I ate all the cookies, which I didn't, and it really pisses me off that he asked me that. It makes me want to find the cookie and eat them now.