Love and Marriage- How You Relate to the Issue is the Issue

February 21, 2013

  

Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.

-Dr. Joyce Brothers

For Better or For Worse

           

            I love the Dr. Joyce Brother's quote above because for me marriage isn't just about two soul mates finding each other and being married happily ever after.  A marriage is about how we manage & relate as a couple and as individuals to all the nitty-gritty, life stuff that happens in-between like taking out the trash, doing the dishes, managing the finances, dealing with the kids, supporting each other when the other person is ill, etc.

            For example, my husband is recovering from the flu.  I stayed home from work today to support him and our two sons who are also dealing with it.  However, because I only have a limited number of sick days, I'm also juggling taking care of everyone and completing work projects at the same time.  I noticed that I am becoming more impatient, stressed, and wishing that I could just jump on a plane and go to Tahiti and come back after everyone is well again.  I judge myself as not doing a very good job of balancing it all.  I judge John for even being sick.  How dare he!  I judge myself for even having these thoughts at all because they're not very loving.  These judgments are creating more internal stress, sadness, and hurt.  Then I start projecting all of that hurt onto my husband and kids by getting frustrated and angry at them.  This vicious cycle of projections continues until I decide to take responsibility for my feelings and make another choice for myself.

Opportunity knocking at the door

            Now here lies the opportunity to make a different choice.  At the University of Santa Monica, where I received my Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology, I learned "How I relate to the issue is the issue."   Meaning, how am I going to be with myself as I deal with this situation of having to take care of my family and work from home at the same time.  Am I going to be hard on myself—judging myself as a bad wife, mother, or employee because "I can't do it all and I can't do it perfectly?”  Or am I going to choose to be gentle and loving with myself seeing this as an opportunity to deepen in the loving for myself and my family.  So, after I acknowledged my feelings of frustration and sadness, I said to myself, "Gee, I am doing the best that I can here with the situation and that is enough.  It's ok to take breaks from my work throughout the day and just spend time with my kids who aren't feeling well.  John's doing the best he can too.  I forgive myself for judging myself as a horrible person because I get mad.  The truth is that I am human and sometimes I get mad and frustrated.  It doesn't mean I am bad.  I love my husband and my kids and they are doing the best they can under the circumstances too."  After I said those reframing statements to myself, I noticed the stress leaving my body.  I felt more at peace and more loving toward John, the kids, and myself. 

            So, if you find yourself getting frustrated or upset about something your spouse did or didn't do, I encourage and support you to take step back and notice what you are telling yourself and remember, "How you relate to the issue is the issue."  Your spouse will thank you for it too.

Ah, He's Growing Up...

Yesterday was Connor's first day of kindergarten at Pacifica Community Charter School. I can't believe he is in kindergarten now. I couldn't sleep the night before- I was so excited for him and a little nervous too. His kindergarten is an all day program from 9:10 am- 3:10 pm Monday through Friday. John, Cayden and I spent the day with him, so he felt comfortable and supported. Around 1pm, he told me that he loved me, but I could leave and to let Papa know he could leave now too. He said he was ready to start real school now. Ah, my baby is growing up!

I asked him later that night what he liked about his new school and he said, "Well, just about everything!" John and I were so relieved; he was at Play Mountain Place for the last three years, so we weren't sure how he was going to feel attending a new school. We were happy for him that he likes Pacifica.

One of the things he really enjoyed doing was "Journaling Time". The kids get their own journals and they can draw or have someone write down things they want to put in it. He wanted to take his journal home and when we told him he had to keep it at school, he said when he got home, he wanted to make one so he could have one at home.

Connor's teacher Nicki used to be one of his Little Nursery teachers at Play Mountain and she is a really great, experience teacher. There was little chaos in her room for the first day and all the kids seemed to do well with the transition.

Connor did have a melt down at the end of the day when we were leaving school. I've read kids tend to do this when they are having trouble processing all their big feelings. He was mad when he told John to leave school that John was still hanging out in the recess area. John really had nowhere to go since he was watching Cayden while I did a Target run. He just kept calling John stupid and then Connor hit Cayden. I knew intuitively he was just processing all his feelings about starting a new school. John was starting to get pretty pissed off, so I just told him what I was observing. We told Connor it is not ok to hit Cayden and that he needed to get the feelings out of his body. Connor said, "But there are no pillows to hit or paper to tear up." (We do these things to help him get the angry or sad feelings out of his body.) John had a brilliant idea to let Connor get out of the car to climb some of the neighborhood trees. So, I pulled the car over and that is just what they did for the next 15 minutes. Connor was a new kid when he got back in the car- he was laughing and joking around.

It was a reminder for me that when I have my own big feelings that it is ok to let them out of my body too. In the past, I would just let my feelings get all bottled up, then the energy would back up and it would lead sometimes into panic attacks. After observing what happened with Connor, I think the next time I'm pissed off, I will either dance or go for a vigorous walk.

We also started a tradition with Connor last night. We told him going forward at the start of every school year, he could pick the restaurant of his choice for dinner. (We will do this with Cayden too when he starts school.) He was really excited and picked Subway. I asked him why Subway? He said because then he gets to pick what he wants to put on his sandwich. He has been wanting to go to Subway for a long time now, so he got a turkey cheese sandwich with bread which had cheese baked into it. He thought that was really cool!

Stuffing My Own Expression

Yesterday, we had a blast at Connor's friend Taka's birthday party. John was busy working USM's graduation, so it was really nice to get out of the house and have some fun. It was a small group and we went to the Culver City Fair as part of the birthday celebration. It was fun to watch Connor with his friends going on the rides, acting goofy, and eating fair food. It felt like a privilege to watch him enjoy himself. I was witnessing joy.

Cayden had a good time too. All the kids loved playing with him and Keiko and Jemina love babies, so he was giving all sorts of loving and getting it in return. It was the first time in a week since Connor got sick that he could play with his friends. He is so much better- very, very little coughing.

My Process...
I had the realization late last night that I am stuffing my own expression with overeating. I also realize I stuff my own expression by not exercising. It's like I trap myself in my own body; keeping myself contained, controlled, pushed down, wrapped up like a Christmas package. I also stuff my expression with the clothes I wear. I hate the clothes I wear. They are BORING! Being fat also helps me to keep myself contained in my clothing. When I'm heavy, I only allow myself to own a couple pairs of pants and several shirts. Connor, John and Cayden have tons of clothes, and I have very little. It's weird too, I usually only have two bras that I wear. I finally threw out two that were getting pretty skanky, bought myself two really nice bras and that's it.

On a side note, John just asked me if I ate all the cookies, which I didn't, and it really pisses me off that he asked me that. It makes me want to find the cookie and eat them now.

Nighttime is the Hardest

I must confess, I am an overeater. This is why I am overweight, plus the lack of exercise is not helping either. Nighttime is the toughest. I graze and overeat every single night. Tonight, I took my son to McDonald's for a Happy Meal. He really wanted to get the Star Wars Clones toys, so I got a Happy Meal too, so he could have my toy. Needless to say, I ate my Happy Meal and most of his. Here is a list of the other foods I consumed tonight:

• Part of a Hershey Milk Chocolate bar that I found in my husband's underware drawer (this is where he hides his stash of chocolate)
  
• 2 cheese sticks
• Tortilla chips (I don't know how many- enough to make my belly pretty full)
• Vanilla Soy Delicious Ice Cream with a tablespoon of peanut butter
  
• And remember, I previously consumed a Hamburger Happy Meal, part of son's cheeseburger and his fries. I finished off the fries without asking him if it was ok to eat them, like I did with his cheeseburger. He was pretty bummed I finished his fries.

I've spent a lot time trying to figure out why I overeat the way I do. I ate all those things when I wasn't even hungry. Well, I was hungry for the Happy Meal, but I was full enough after eating my own dinner; I didn't need to eat Connor's too.

My husband and son will say to me if there is ice cream or chocolate in the house, "You didn't eat all of it, did you?" I feel so ashamed when they ask me this question, because I do feel selfish when I over consume. I really don't care about them when I want to eat something that is "special" in the house. I want the goodies all for me.

A part of me wants to hide in my fat. I want to be covered and hidden forever. Another part of me wants to be slender and lighter in my body. I was slender about 7 years ago and I loved how my body felt. I miss wearing pretty clothes. I know that I don't need to wait until I'm slender to buy myself pretty clothes, but it's hard for me to find pretty clothes in the 16/18 sizes. When I was a size 6 I could shop in the half amount of time it takes me now. There was so much to choose from in the size 6 aisle- I even wore jeans during this time. I haven't worn a pair of jeans in about 5 years. I don't like how I look or feel in them when I am heavy.

I'm hoping that writing in the Blog will help me in releasing this self-destructive pattern I have with overeating. It really feels when I do it, that I am hurting or punishing myself in someway. I just don't care about myself when I'm in that space. I know I am saying "fuck you" to myself on some level. I feel like I have given up on myself; for instance, when I overeat I hear the voice inside my head say "Well, you are overweight- who cares if you eat more; it just doesn't matter. It is too late already- go ahead and eat. You might as well keep on eating; nobody thinks you are attractive anymore anyhow."

I feel lonely and bored at night. I just want to watch TV and numb out. The urge to eat something else is overwhelming me at the moment, but I know that we don't have much treats in the house. Nothing seems to satisfy me at night- I want to fill the void inside myself; it feels like there is an empty shell just below my heart that needs to be filled with something. I keep trying to fill it with food and it isn't working.

The pain I feel is rooted in the feeling that I've given up on myself. I need to explore this issue- I believe this is the key to healing the overeating or it will lead me to the next issue I need to explore or heal. I am open to learning. I want to feel like it is ok to be pretty.

~Amy

I Am No Skinny Celebrity Mom

Here in LA, celebrity moms lose their pregnancy weight anywhere from 2-6 weeks after giving birth. For instance, take a look at Nicole Kidman, there was a photo of her a week after her baby, Sunday was born and she was back in her skinny jeans and drinking coffee at the local Nashville Starbuck's store. (She also lives in LA, so I'm mentioning her here.) Halle Berry, Jessica Alba, Nicole Ritche, Christina Aguilera all had babies this year and they are back to wearing their pre-pregnancy clothes within less than two months of having their babies. All I can say is that they suck!! (Can you tell I'm a little bit jealous...)

I'm still at least 40 pounds overweight and my baby is now 6 months old. I'm feeling incredibly fat today and I still ate Junior Mints to cover up the self-hatred I feel at this moment. I'm tired of being fat, but I'm really not doing much to try to take it off at the moment.

I feel like such a failure when I see these moms back to looking pretty and skinny. I envy them. They have people to support them- a nanny/babysitter or family member to watch the baby while they are working out. They order food plans delivered to their homes or have a chef to cook for them.

On a side note, my husband just called to say he has to work today (Saturday) until 6:30 pm and then go back into work after the kids go to sleep. I just want to eat chips, cookies, cake, ice cream, etc. to fill up this void inside of me. I'm alone with the kids again. John's job is only super busy for two weeks in August and it is that time again. John is a wonderful partner and husband, but it gets hard when he isn't home a lot during this time. I feel lonely and to top it all off, the kids have this hacking cough and we can't go out of the house.

I know I am screaming "victim", but it is just how I feel today. My period is due any day, so I'm wallowing in self-pity, self-hatred, self-frustration and chocolate cravings.

I bid you celebrity moms adieu- lucky you that you are back to being glamourous and skinny. Do you love yourselves or do you still think you are fat?

I just finished off the box of Junior Mints I was eating. I don't feel better and I'm still feeling fat.

~Amy

First Entry

Ok- here's my first entry. I am now officially a blogger. Who knew? I'm pretty excited to be telling my story-my truth.

I grew up in Fairview, PA (a suburb of Erie, PA)- a very small town and then lived in Cleveland, OH after I graduated from Westminster College in 1990. Not too many people I grew up with could picture me living out here in LA and honestly, that included me too. Could I leave the East Coast/Midwest and move to the second largest city in America? Well, that is just what I did. I left and moved 3,000 miles away from my family and friends. I followed my boyfriend, now my husband of 11 years, John to Los Angeles- The City of Angeles. I moved here over 14 years ago. I basically have a love/hate relationship with living in LA. I'll be sharing what I love about LA, what drives me crazy living out here (yes, you guessed it- traffic is one reason) what I do, what I think, basically to sum it all up- I'll be sharing my life!

Looking forward to posting more entries to come...

~Amy