Nighttime is the Hardest

I must confess, I am an overeater. This is why I am overweight, plus the lack of exercise is not helping either. Nighttime is the toughest. I graze and overeat every single night. Tonight, I took my son to McDonald's for a Happy Meal. He really wanted to get the Star Wars Clones toys, so I got a Happy Meal too, so he could have my toy. Needless to say, I ate my Happy Meal and most of his. Here is a list of the other foods I consumed tonight:

• Part of a Hershey Milk Chocolate bar that I found in my husband's underware drawer (this is where he hides his stash of chocolate)
  
• 2 cheese sticks
• Tortilla chips (I don't know how many- enough to make my belly pretty full)
• Vanilla Soy Delicious Ice Cream with a tablespoon of peanut butter
  
• And remember, I previously consumed a Hamburger Happy Meal, part of son's cheeseburger and his fries. I finished off the fries without asking him if it was ok to eat them, like I did with his cheeseburger. He was pretty bummed I finished his fries.

I've spent a lot time trying to figure out why I overeat the way I do. I ate all those things when I wasn't even hungry. Well, I was hungry for the Happy Meal, but I was full enough after eating my own dinner; I didn't need to eat Connor's too.

My husband and son will say to me if there is ice cream or chocolate in the house, "You didn't eat all of it, did you?" I feel so ashamed when they ask me this question, because I do feel selfish when I over consume. I really don't care about them when I want to eat something that is "special" in the house. I want the goodies all for me.

A part of me wants to hide in my fat. I want to be covered and hidden forever. Another part of me wants to be slender and lighter in my body. I was slender about 7 years ago and I loved how my body felt. I miss wearing pretty clothes. I know that I don't need to wait until I'm slender to buy myself pretty clothes, but it's hard for me to find pretty clothes in the 16/18 sizes. When I was a size 6 I could shop in the half amount of time it takes me now. There was so much to choose from in the size 6 aisle- I even wore jeans during this time. I haven't worn a pair of jeans in about 5 years. I don't like how I look or feel in them when I am heavy.

I'm hoping that writing in the Blog will help me in releasing this self-destructive pattern I have with overeating. It really feels when I do it, that I am hurting or punishing myself in someway. I just don't care about myself when I'm in that space. I know I am saying "fuck you" to myself on some level. I feel like I have given up on myself; for instance, when I overeat I hear the voice inside my head say "Well, you are overweight- who cares if you eat more; it just doesn't matter. It is too late already- go ahead and eat. You might as well keep on eating; nobody thinks you are attractive anymore anyhow."

I feel lonely and bored at night. I just want to watch TV and numb out. The urge to eat something else is overwhelming me at the moment, but I know that we don't have much treats in the house. Nothing seems to satisfy me at night- I want to fill the void inside myself; it feels like there is an empty shell just below my heart that needs to be filled with something. I keep trying to fill it with food and it isn't working.

The pain I feel is rooted in the feeling that I've given up on myself. I need to explore this issue- I believe this is the key to healing the overeating or it will lead me to the next issue I need to explore or heal. I am open to learning. I want to feel like it is ok to be pretty.

~Amy